Being Flexible with Your Habits
Time to read: 2 - 3 min
Managing time becomes one giant rubik’s cube to solve when parenthood comes knocking. Trying to balance your personal activities and goals whilst being present as a father, husband and friend was a challenging transition.
On reflection the biggest challenge was my belief that I couldn't do what I wanted and felt resentment and frustration instead of being pragmatic and flexible on my time management. Being flexible with my habits became key. My habits were centred on three themes, work, running and going out with the boys and my routine ran like clockwork.
A typical day would be running at 6am, at my work desk for 8am and then evenings to do my social duties. Moving forward to becoming a parent, I was aware that this routine no longer ‘worked’ for my wife and son but I stuck at it and invariably created a lose lose situation for all of us.
The most useful help I found was in the form of James Clear’s book Atomic Habits. There was a killer lesson in there that read;
“‘The key to building lasting habits is focusing on creating a new identity first. Your current behaviours are simply a reflection of your current identity.’”
This was my first hurdle, I hadn't come to terms with being a father as part of my new identity. I wanted to be a present father and the best quality time I had with my son was actually in the morning before work, exactly in that 6am-8am period when I'm exercising and preparing for the day. So I sat down and reviewed my habits in the form of a typical day and started to plan out when the best times were to fit my habits in. This reorganisation of my personal diary was a game changer. It enabled me to achieve all the new father habits (bonding and presence with my son), whilst fitting in my own commitments.
I moved my work diary to start from 8.30am instead of 8am which enabled me to do the nursery drop off, and running became a lunch or evening time pursuit. This year I will have run further than ever before whilst managing fatherhood, something I'm very proud of.
Another game changer was the coordination with my wife. By communicating what I wanted to do we could start to plan the days and weeks together ensuring we had enough time for each other and us as a family of three. Some days I will be totally flexible if we need that, often putting on a running kit in the morning and just waiting for the best 1hr window to go (usually based on our son’s behaviour!). It remains a rubik’s cube puzzle, constantly shifting due to our priorities changing but now it feels manageable.
Finally, the flexibility in my habits came from drawing clear boundaries whether that's at work or with friends and the social side. You need to be super selective of how you spend your time and maximise it on people you want to be with vs. feel like you have to. By drawing clear boundaries on your time, you can set about building a fantastic habitual routine and create win-win relationships with family and friends.
Zoe’s response
It’s so interesting to read that Greg recognised his inflexibility at the start of the article. I’d noticed this a few years earlier when we’d agree to go running together ‘in the morning’. Before children I was NOT an early riser (and if I had the option that would still be the case) and to me, going for a run in the morning would literally mean any time before midday which Greg would get incredibly frustrated by.
I understand how important certain habits are to mental health and so I would never be the partner to say you can’t do x,y,z, in part, because living with Greg would be so much less enjoyable if I got the version of him without the running, socialising and work elements.
I’m so glad we got control of our calendar and time to create flexible slots where both of us can do the things that fill up our cup. Of course, sometimes having children means you need to abandon your run altogether for that day (if they’re ill or particularly testing) but 9/10 we make it work and both get what we need!
TAKEAWAYS:
Habits are formed when you understand your new identity. What habits remain or need to change to make room for parenthood? What sort of parent do you want to be is your first question.
Flexibility in your routine is key. A simple reorder on when you complete your habits can have a significantly positive impact on your family's happiness.
Create boundaries to protect what's important. It's your responsibility to communicate this to create space and time for the things that matter.
