Resentment
Time to read: 5 mins
Resentment towards my husband was one of the strongest feelings I felt during the first year of motherhood. Compared to a lot of families I know that Greg was the epitome of a hands-on father but there was a lot happening behind the scenes and the balance felt so off to me.
The feelings really started when Greg went back to work after a few weeks off with the baby and I. Greg has a great job and is highly regarded within his company, he had already chosen us over his work by taking weeks off in the final lead up to the baby being born and for the first few weeks of the baby’s life. Greg even tried to work the majority of the first few weeks at home so that he could be more available to help but still little sour feelings started to creep into my head…
The first time I remember it was hearing him laughing to a colleague upstairs on a teams call. I was downstairs, likely crying, with hormones raging, my body in tatters and a pukey baby watching TV. How dare he laugh at such a hard time I thought. Totally unreasonable but I was furious.
From there the resentment started to build and build, Greg’s passion has always been running – it’s a part of him and I know helps immensely in keeping his mental health in a good spot. Although he massively tapered the running down in the first few weeks of our baby’s life he was still going which was hard for me to swallow. The most time I spent away from the baby during that time was 30 minutes in the evenings when he would take our son and I would shower and lay on the bed for a few minutes. The idea of him running outside with no baby, just his thoughts and having a body that would allow him to do that made me so envious which of course turned into resentment.
A row started one evening because Greg was training for a 65km race (just 6 weeks after the birth) and he was cross because he wasn’t getting good times on his runs or getting the full training he needed to run a successful race. I was just beyond resentful at this point, I thought – how can you be worrying about times and training for this event when I can’t even walk properly yet let alone get the mental clarity to think about anything other than keeping this small human alive. I knew Greg needed his running to maintain his mental health but I needed outlets too which weren’t available to me at that time, so I felt really hard done by and to be honest really alone.
Another challenge between us was, of course, sleep. Greg was struggling with going from 8 to 4/5 hours sleep. Of course, I was too but I just got on with it and can function (kind of) on a lot less sleep than him. He would be so grumpy in the mornings and in the night when the baby woke us. More than once, it resulted in an outburst with him saying how tired he was and I just thought – so am I! I am the one up feeding the baby in the night, I’m the one next to the baby trying to comfort him, making sure he’s still breathing etc.
Then there were the social plans after work or at the weekends. I know there may be one or two things you really can’t miss but most social plans you definitely can, especially when you have a new-born at home and a struggling new mum who has been looking after them all week. Looking back I now understand that Greg needed a release and to escape the stress of life at home, to remember who he was just for a few hours at the pub with his friends and that life was actually a good laugh now and again. I understand all of that now but at the time I felt so so alone. I felt like that was how it would always be and despite my mum telling me that it would get better with time and as the baby grew older, I didn’t know how I was going to get the relationship back on track and make our family unit work.
Of course I’m missing out the sacrifices Greg did make; cancelling the biggest race of his life (at that point) in the US to stay at home with the baby and I, taking 5 months of paternity in the first year of our boy’s life and I’m sure saying no to more social and work asks than I’ll ever know. At the time I couldn’t see any of that, just how much my life had changed compared to his.
I’m so happy to say that my mum was right after all, as the baby got older and their bond strengthened Greg grew into the hands-on and present father I hoped he would be, he puts us before himself, his work and his social plans and I think we’ve genuinely found a lovely balance of improving and enjoying ourselves individually and enjoying our time together as a couple and a family.
There is A LOT I would do differently next time to avoid things getting so bad, essentially I think the breakdown comes through a lack of communication or poor communication in those first few months because you are both so rundown and tired so any tact or simply just the ability to express what you need goes out of the window. This can be approached with patience, lots of it, to allow both partners to talk and express how they are feeling and what they need. I’m not sure we could have done this effectively ourselves so next time I would invest a bit of money into hiring a professional to either get some coaching or get some ideas from a workshop like this one.
Another thing I would do next time is to clearly set out some boundaries, I’m usually VERY clear about what I expect from a relationship but for some reason I completely lost the ability to communicate so instead of telling Greg he needed to reign in going out maybe once or twice in that first month I simply didn't say a word and got more and more upset and angry every time he went out. Please don’t do this, set some boundaries and stick to them.
In hindsight I should have asked Greg to take the baby for a walk once a day so that I could actually enjoy my 30 minutes peace and take the full time (vs coming downstairs after 15 minutes because I can hear the baby crying and feel guilty).
There are so many more tips in this workshop that you can listen to and try to implement during the first year and beyond. You need each other most during these few years, try to really take the time to invest in your relationship and make it the strongest it can be.
Greg’s response
When Zoe finally confided in the resentment she felt I was heartbroken. In my mind I was trying so hard, sacrificing lots and failing at every aspect, whether it was work or family performance. Looking back I was so tired and upset that I wasn't able to communicate either, so Zoe and I lived in our separate bubbles, her feeling resentment, me feeling useless.
I wish we would have got coaching to help us through, in all aspects of my life I have coaches yet for parenthood I didn't know where or how I could access that and also felt like a failure not being able to work it out. Time helps a lot, as does empathy! My whole opinion shifted when I became the stay at home Dad at month 6, I felt some of the resentment Zoe had too! But as we communicated I learned two things; it's important to confront it and you need to go easy on yourself as the readjustment is incredibly difficult.
TAKEAWAYS:
Even if you think it's obvious it might not be to them. Say it and don’t let it fester, this is how resentment grows.
Let them know how important the company is, even if you are both just sitting there it can mean the world to have someone else to be with. Be firm with boundaries about going out in the first few months.
Invest in a relationship coach or workshop to help you through when you can’t find the words or have too much fog to see the solution.
