Responding Not Reacting
Time to read: 3 mins
I always prided myself on being able to stay in control when challenging things were happening in my life. I was good at processing things and finding a measured response. The only times I can recall when my reactions felt unnecessary were a) too much alcohol, b) too little sleep, c) too much stress usually compounded at work but the reaction was at home.
So of course I expected (like a total idiot) to be a wonderful calm father, just like my own. Whilst acting on 50% less sleep with a high pressure job and a few too many hangovers in the 4th trimester! I learned a wonderful insight from my co-founder Zoe that often your mental anxieties are linked to whether your reaction matches the incident that caused it. To be truthful, it was the smallest little issues during the early stages of parenthood that would see irrational reactions vs measured responses. Especially when our baby was crying, like a ticking stress bomb that increased the pressure until something had to give.
The first step I took in trying to understand and tackle this was to find the root causes of my reactions. Firstly, some sage advice that teaches us its not the situation in front of you causing the response, rather your own reaction causing your emotion. In essence, it's nothing to do with the external factors rather your interpretations of your feelings spilling out. An example was my own paternity leave when our son was crying in coffee shops. I wasn't annoyed at the crying, rather the fact that I was embarrassed about it because I felt a failure in being able to help him. Once I understood this, I felt more at ease and found ways to respond to help him versus react based on my own insecurity. Now the only reaction it gets is a measured and caring response, calm and considered with little public embarrassment.
The other obvious (but not so obvious at the time) was learning the impact of little sleep. Up until parenthood, the least amount of sleep I had was when I was backpacking through Thailand, engaging in various full moon parties. Even then I would average 6 hours a day, at the age of 22. Reaching your late thirties and seeing 6 hours a night as success should have been a warning sign. Little to no sleep makes everything blurry and can lead to often hilarious results. Like forgetting to take a nappy bag out with me and walking home with both of us covered in baby poo! So in days of little sleep, don't try to make a lot of decisions and try to just survive. Some days that's just necessary and the damage you avoid by not overreacting will save a whole day of apologies the next day to your partner.
Lastly, the importance of just taking a moment to breathe and think through a problem. I think this is heavily linked to the value of communication between parents. By slowing down and just talking through an issue, you often find no problem at all. I can't count the amount of times we have forgotten or messed up nap times, and had to re-centre and find a solution. There is nearly always a solution, something simple that gets you back to a good spot. I'm grateful for my wife’s patience with me here. When stressed I get over dramatic and will often make things bigger than they need to be. Over two years of being parents, I'm proud of how we can find ways to deal with overreactions much faster and not let it derail our day. That's down to self awareness and communication, both are at the heart of the identity evolution all parents face and something we are proud to help you on.
Zoe’s response
The sad truth is I know when I’m finding our son extra testing it’s because there is something going on with ME. I’m rushing him because I want to get him to bed so I can finish some work, or I’m not as patient with his demands because I just want to watch my program and sit in peace on the sofa.
When I think of all the times I’ve snapped it’s been an issue on my end and not on his and I think that says a lot about me / us / parents. Being aware of this means it happens less often and I’m more willing to surrender other things that might be going on outside of parenting and just focus on and enjoy the moment with our son. It’s like sitting in traffic, sure you can get frustrated and angry but there’s really nothing you can do so you might as well make the best of the situation and forget about where you need to be or what you should be doing instead.
TAKEAWAYS:
Does your reaction match the size of the problem? Under lack of sleep and stress, it often doesn't. Being aware of this helps manage emotions.
Some days survival is ok. Ask for help, avoid or delay big decisions to ensure a measured response.
Communicate how you feel. You can often recognise, deal with, and move on in a short time period and get the day back on track.
