Changes in the Relationship – Romantic into Partnership
Time to read: 4 mins
One of the reasons we wanted to get this blog up and running was because we both felt and still feel emotions so strongly on this parenthood journey. But, when a new parent complains to me or asks me for advice about the early days, I start to feel my memories slipping away. Perhaps it’s nature’s way of protecting you and making you more willing to have more children or maybe it’s just our rose-tinted view coming back like it does with so many of our core memories.
I remember the first few months of parenthood feeling so strongly about surprises within my marriage that I hadn’t anticipated with the birth of our baby but now they seem somewhat blurred and replaced by new feelings. Luckily though, for some reason or another I take hundreds of notes on my phone especially when I’m struggling with something and I’ve just looked back to the first few months and found one with some of the following observations which has brought it all back…
The first change I noticed in the marriage was that we had to be less selfish. OK, this sounds like an obvious one so let me explain in the context of time. Before children, if we wanted to make plans to see friends, exercise, literally do anything, as long as it wasn’t replacing a date together it was all up for grabs! In fact, we would actually make a point of both being out doing our own thing on the same evening or day so that when one of us was in, the other one might be around too.
Once our baby came along we had to start asking the other one if it was OK to go out on a certain night to ensure the other parent would be back in time from work / available to care for our child. Suddenly the term ‘pink slip’ which Greg and I had never subscribed to, made a lot more sense! We try to do a date night once a month and get a babysitter, which has been lovely to reconnect but quite a far cry from ringing our partner on the way back from the office once a week to see if they fancied the pub for dinner instead of having the chicken in the fridge for tea.
The other shift from more of a romantic relationship to a partnership comes around economics or work. Before children we both worked the jobs we wanted, split our bills but then spent the leftover on whatever we desired. We could both go for promotions at the same time, both be in the office at the same time, both have unsupportive bosses at the same time. Now inevitably one of us has had to take a step back from climbing the ladder and get creative about ways of making money that fit our life as a family instead of as an individual in a relationship.
Of course, you can both be corporate hot shots with a family but it’s rarer and I imagine a lot harder to juggle post children!
And in terms of money, everyone’s set up will be different I’m sure, but now it’s a lot more in one pot. Bills are no longer split evenly and it’s much more of a ‘team pot’ rather than us both just spending whatever we want to spend.
It’s only been in the last 6 months or so that we’ve instated date nights. I don’t know what it was that made me realise that even though we are often together we are just tag teaming care of our son without a chance to connect and properly focus on each other.
In terms of our day to day, I suppose we’ve always preferred certain ‘jobs’ within the relationship but before children I really hadn’t noticed such a defined split of tasks. The focus post-children is always on efficiency so if one parent has more time or skill to do a certain task that’s most likely who will wind up doing it 99% of the time.
The shift from romantic to more of a team dynamic is something I’m fully embracing. We’d achieved a lot together without even considering we were much of a team so think of everything we can do now that we are more united. If you both take a turn to ebb and flow and act in a way that’s good for the whole family, I can’t really see how things won’t be better overall. In fact, we decided to take this post-child teamwork element a step further still and create this business together! I’ll let you know how that turns out…
Greg’s response
I can barely remember the pre-parent routine and all the freedom we had. Everything felt 50/50, in fact we prided ourselves on that. With us becoming a three the reality soon highlighted that our partnership wasn't ever going to be evenly balanced - nor was that the right way for us to grow our partnership.
Making space for us to return to husband and wife vs co-parents was a game changer. Some of the first dates we went on, I could see how tired Zoe was and I didn't even want to go out myself (after all the sofa is a much easier choice) but we stuck at it and I found our adult moments of connection wonderful and it enabled us to separate parenting and marriage again, even just for a night.
And on the chores, I’m glad we don't overthink it. Pick who is best, work out what you hate more and trade it to the other parent - it doesnt need to be 50/50 all the time, it just needs to be fair and acceptable for both of you over the long term.
TAKEAWAYS:
Get that recurring date night in the calendar as soon as you feel able after your child is born. Despite thinking you already spend time together at home or not feeling like it, this set time to really focus on each other can make the world of difference.
Don’t take the split of chores for granted. Is there something that you’ve automatically taken on (and are perhaps feeling a little resentful about) that actually your partner wouldn’t mind taking on or swapping for something they do?
For tips on how to embrace your new or enhanced team dynamic without becoming ‘just friends’ our relationship coach Catherine has some amazing services, check them out here.
