Stigma of Extended Paternity Leave
Time to read: 2 mins
There are worse places to work I guess. Picking up job offers whilst on Pat Leave with our son.
I always had it in my mind to take an extended paternity leave. I felt that after an uncertain period of living abroad and then coming home to COVID, I needed time to settle into fatherhood as well as support my wife as she attempted to re-establish her career. Coupling these personal desires with working for a company and a boss who were highly supportive, I agreed to take 5 months off on shared parental leave, taking over when our son River was 6 months old.
I expected it would be difficult to adjust but I wasn't fully prepared for the stigma surrounding stay-at-home Dads. There were largely two reactions: 1. Sympathy as a cuckolded male who couldnt earn enough money to work! 2. Unsolicited advice from many mothers who felt the simplest task would be too much for me. Some examples that particularly make me laugh in hindsight.
Being offered a job in Waitrose whilst doing the weekly shop at 11am on a Monday.
Another mum telling me I was feeding our son River wrong (I wasn't).
Been excluded from post swimming coffees by every mum as I was the only Dad at the pool for lessons on Thursday morning.
All of it came back to a notion, that for the first time in my life I was in a minority group. Dads are everywhere at weekends, but in the weekday coffee shop/walking clique you are outnumbered 10 to 1. This led to a mix of feelings of being excluded and struggling to make friends, instead I dived into exercising with my son with our running buggy and sticking to my actual friends who were mums where the judgement didn't exist. I learned some useful tips to also help me navigate the 5 months at home in the TDLR below.
The final tip relates to going back to work. To the younger generation and returning mums, the extended paternity leave was seen as a real positive but with many working men in the office there was an element of confusion and potentially resentment. I found other men trying to justify to me why they hadn't done it (‘wasn't an option in my day’ / ‘can't afford it as i’m the sole breadwinner’ etc) which was not necessary of course. But like anything different, expect to be misunderstood and be comfortable with that because the experience was magical in every sense!
Zoe’s response
Greg was actually inspired by one of his best friends to take an extended paternity leave and now one of Greg’s best friends has been inspired by him and done the same. How cool is that!
I love that greg took this time with our son and although its crappy that things aren’t exactly set up for stay-at-home dads I’m glad he got a different perspective and could understand some of the challenges that Mums face from travelling on a train only to arrive to a broken lift to the re-integration back at work. Stepping into somebody else’s shoes for a bit really can be so eye opening!
TAKEAWAY:
Expect to be misunderstood and that’s ok. Not everyone will get the stay at home Dad but remember their best intentions vs being defensive over misunderstanding.
Find your tribe. Start with who you know before branching out into wider activities and social events to build confidence. The routine you build is critical to your own wellbeing.
Embrace the time to bond. It's different but magical, something you won't forget.
