Freedom Over Perfection
Time to read: 4-5 mins
In the first few months of our child’s life, I would wait on tenterhooks for my husband to walk in the door from work, desperate to be relieved and have just a few minutes of peace to myself. I would virtually throw the baby at him, run upstairs for a shower, and then lay on the bed to decompress and breathe. It would always be the same thing from my husband ‘take as long as you need, don’t rush down’ and every night I would think ‘oh don’t you worry, I won’t’. Yet every night as I lay down on the bed for a few minutes I would hear our child crying and go back downstairs after just 15 minutes or so.
There was nothing serious distressing the baby, just the absence of his mum and a hesitation in trying to bond with my husband. Still, instead of letting them hash it out together, more often than not I tried to be with them.
My husband wanted to be involved, I knew that and although I had worked out some best practices of what the baby liked and didn’t like (practice makes perfect since I was the primary caregiver in those first few months) I held off telling him the best way to change a nappy, feed, burp and bath because I didn’t want to be a nag and I didn’t want to affect his confidence. Still, every so often I would have to say something ‘please make sure you are drying him thoroughly, I don’t want him to get sores’ or ‘please don’t toss him about after he’s just fed’ – it was like if I kept it inside I would combust.
I always knew our child was safe in my husband’s care, I didn’t need to worry about that, but it was the small details he didn’t seem to worry about as much as me. Things like, how carefully he would put the baby grow on, or how many stories he would read before bed.
Eventually I had to appreciate that if I were to ever get any sort of independence, I would need to let them figure it out. I started to go out for a few hours in the daytime and evening and guess what – everything was fine! Then as time went on I even stayed away overnight and again, all fine! Admittedly my husband would need a break after being with our child for a prolonged period (just the same as I do), but his confidence soared and I could see their relationship and bond growing so much through this time together.
My husband took a prolonged paternity leave when our child was 6 months old and this improved their relationship and his confidence even more – to the point where he was telling me little titbits about what our child liked in this or that circumstance.
Now our child is almost 2 years old and mums who had their child around the same time as us admit to me that they are finally taking their first night away and leaving their child alone with their husbands. Or other friends confide in me that their partner hasn’t changed a nappy this year, or that they are hiring a babysitter, or having their mum come round to babysit as their partner doesn’t feel confident enough.
I think this is a two-way street and there is so much to consider in that first year as a parent, the mum’s instincts are so strong, and the partner can feel pushed out, but it’s on both parents to bond with the child and to make space for each other. Is one partner going to be more of a natural caregiver / favourite of the child’s? Almost definitely, but that will change as time goes on and if you want any shot at some level of independence, or relationship together, you are going to need your own time and time together so some trust in your partner is going to be needed.
The way I view it (and a lot of other things in life) is that done is better than perfect. So if the baby has been fed, has slept and is safe does it really matter that the baby grow is on inside out? Not ideal for sure, but not life threatening – they’ve had some time together and you’ve managed to get a bit of freedom too.
Greg’s response
This is the first time I have heard Zoe talk so specifically about the early days and how she battled with communicating to me about her concerns of leaving our son alone with me. I was fully aware that Zoe had both the advantage of time and also maternal intuition that meant she seemed to instantly know why our son would be crying etc. At times more instructions would have helped, but our ability to communicate was hindered by lack of sleep. That's when it becomes nagging over seemingly small things that don't impact our baby’s health or safety.
I appreciate Zoe’s trust in leaving me alone to bond, to be honest, her spending only 15 minutes upstairs instead of taking longer bugged me alot. I know I needed to learn my son’s habits and had restricted time due to work in the first 5 months. So I was immediately anxious at feeling ‘watched’ when trying to work out bottle feeding, burping, etc on my own. Zoe gave me this space to test and trial things with our son’s routine and after a while I caught up. Nothing beats experience and that takes time. The biggest gift Zoe gave me was trust, to leave for an hour, an afternoon, and then the weekend, because it increased my connection with my son much faster.
TAKEAWAYS:
Pick your battles with what you tell your partner to do with the baby and try to reserve nagging or too detailed instructions for when you think it is really necessary (if it’s going to hugely disrupt the baby or your day / evening later down the line).
Think about the tone of when you are telling your partner something, my favourite one is ‘oh, guess what, the baby just started laughing / giggling when I do it like this if you want to try it’ or ‘I found a great way to make the baby like the bath more, I do x’.
Rip the plaster off and leave the baby and the partner alone as soon as you feel able. You can build it up with half hour stints so it’s not too extreme. Although everyone will feel slightly uncomfortable the first time the key is to build your partner’s confidence which in turn will build your trust and allow you some independence.
