Finding Your Allies
Time to read: 2-3 mins
One of the relatable aspects of becoming a parent is the fast bonding that occurs with existing and new friends. A bit like University or playing in a sports team, the bonding is accelerated because you are in a time of change and personal evolution, at this time you need like minded people to help you with your own confidence and not feeling alone. Finding your allies becomes critical.
Outside of family, allies exist in various forms and the first type we were lucky enough to meet in the bump & baby / NCT inductions. Local expecting parents going through an identical journey in the same place. These fast friends are a critical support network. Much like University, as time goes on, they whittle down to leave you with the allies that tick two boxes; shared experience & common interest and therefore would be friends regardless. The next set are the friends you already have; for us we were relatively late in the group to have children, so were met with lots of support as we could start to re-engage with them on family type activities (something we would avoid before becoming parents ourselves!). But there is a third type of ally that is in our opinion the most important to find. The ones that embrace and support you to find your evolving identity.
These people tend to have a few consistent traits. They often give confidence, either through leading by example or via encouragement to take on your dreams regardless of becoming a parent. They actively encourage you to embrace how you feel versus shutting down things that are different to the norm. A personal example is taking a 5 month paternity leave. The majority of people I discussed it with thought it was a good idea, but despite good intentions would give me reasons why it was a risk. I could lose my career trajectory, be forgotten at work, not to mention the financial burden of not being paid for all of it, etc etc. However, there were a select few allies, who embraced it, either by example (so I could follow) or by asking ‘why not’ questions. This helped me form my opinions and take action. After action is taken, most people will support you (to your face at least), but it's the true allies who support you before, not passing judgement just helping you form your own decision. That sort of coaching is a skill and I’m grateful to those that I had.
Now you may be lucky and have a group of friends where this already exists but for many they don't, which brings the question, how do you find allies? The answer is by following your intuition and things that you are attracted to. You may dream of being a parent who can balance being at work and home, excelling at both. If so, root out the leaders at work you admire for this exact trait. It's amazing how much people, even strangers, are willing to help. It could be a tip over coffee, or developing a real friendship, but allies exist everywhere if you are proactive in discovering them.
Finally, allies don't expect anything from you, which begs the question, are you being a capable ally to the people you know? Are you passing judgement with your experiences or genuinely helping them make up their mind? At MoveThru we believe in connection via authenticity, something strange happens when you become an effective ally. You learn new things through their experience which you can then apply to yourself. That's the magic of helping others, the positive impact it has on you that enables you to grow. So next time someone is looking for support, ask questions, listen and give them objective encouragement, it will help you and them (whether a friend or an acquaintance).
Zoe’s response
I think one clear distinction to make is that becoming or finding allies has nothing to do with having similar parenting styles. It simply comes down to - does this person help and support you and do you help and support them?
While it helps to have a group that are in a similar life stage to you for practical reasons (people to hang out with during mat leave, children can play together as you get older) they don’t need to be. Just supporters who will help you to navigate all the new-ness and embrace your evolving identity.
TAKEAWAYS:
Allies embrace your evolving identity, not looking to influence, rather support you through your journey.
Confidence, support and connection are critical factors as you evolve in parenthood, proactively seek this and follow your intuition to find it.
By becoming an ally yourself you can help others and help yourself & find more allies for you, it's a win - win.
