Overworking to Avoid Going Home
Time to read: 2-3 mins
Escape is the most common word impacting many Dads during the first few testing months of parenthood. It’s a hard reality of becoming a third priority, and often being left with a vague description of non essential jobs to attempt to support your wife due to the needs of your baby. Sure, changing nappies and giving your partner breaks to take a shower are useful, but more often than not you don't quite know what to do, especially as the mum and baby have a closer connection.
The observation to escape seems typical as is the need to be productive and feel valuable. For me that manifested into exercise (see this topic) and work. Work was a safe haven where you could get back to a sense of normal and where the environment hadn't really changed. With the exception of the 2 minutes a day of inquiry (‘how is it going as a new dad?’), your colleagues slip straight back into work related topics: an escape.
However this often goes a step further. I remember being 25 years old, listening to an older colleague tell me that he used to arrive home at 7pm, despite leaving the office at 5.30pm and having a 30 mins commute. When questioned he admitted he would pull up the car around the corner from his house and sleep for an hour before entering. It was an early insight into how avoiding going home was a thing for new dads and immediately on becoming one I started to understand. I would have no issue with a 6pm meeting, I started to love the car commute (my own sanctuary) and often stayed for one too many beers at work socials. It was a mix of feeling needed and also avoiding the carnage at home. Selfish but true.
All these feelings are normal and OK, what I wasn't able to do was recognise it quick enough to realise the full impact it had on my wife who was desperate to have adult help and communication. Communication became the area that suffered and led to resentment. The obvious thing missing was the bonding with my son, to feel comfortable but also enjoy our time together. I'm not talking about holding them for 30 minutes whilst your partner runs around catching up on the simplest personal task, but the ability to spend extended time with them and be comfortable. This took a while.
After 5 months, the bonding formed and I started to embrace being there and came to realise that overworking was simply avoidance of me accepting my role as a parent. It's a far greater role, much more rewarding and the greatest asset for your fellow parent, partner and child is your presence, not your paycheck. After this point, overworking seemed utterly pointless, making it back to do bathtime became the first goal, then 50% of nursery pick ups and drop offs. It became the best part of my day by the end of the first year.
So acknowledge, communicate, bond and start to get to grips with the new you, a super Dad. For those worried about balancing high performance follow the link here, you can have it all!
Zoe’s response
I think the key to understanding if you are overworking to avoid going home is to ask how much of what you are doing is actually essential. Once you’ve identified whether you are overworking to avoid going home, think about what you are avoiding - a partner who is stressed out because she doesn’t have any help? You can ease the load by going home to help! Or maybe you're avoiding going home because of the crying baby? Go home and start building a bond with your son so you can get to know what’s bothering him.
Things will get easier and more fun as the child starts to communicate with you for sure but that first year is important too, especially to your partner so make sure you are there for eachother.
TAKEAWAYS:
It's normal to try and escape, especially for Dad. Acknowledging this and being open to it happened is the fastest way through this period
Communicate and be present with your partner. Your presence is more important than your productivity, it's a highly volatile time for the primary caregiver, being there matters.
Bond to learn the new job you have: fatherhood. Your earnings are displayed in your presence vs. your paycheck. It's the most important job you have so prioritise it.
