Time and Energy
Time to read: 3 - 4 min
I put a shout out to my network to see what the main barriers were in looking after themselves as a parent. Time and energy came back over and over again…
No time to exercise
No time to eat healthy
No time to spend with just my partner
No time or energy to see my friends
Along with lots and lots more of the same kind of problems. I felt all of those statements in the early days, and still feel some of them now.
A friend has two children under three, she gets a nanny to come into her home for just two hours every morning so that she can work out and get ready properly before her day starts with her children. When I first heard this I felt a range of different emotions but mostly envy. She should be struggling like the rest of us at this difficult time in our lives. When I look back on my judgement I find it quite wild to be honest. If I really thought about it I could afford to do this at least once a week myself. But I didn’t.
That mum knew that by getting two hours to herself every day she could improve her mental and physical health by exercising and boosting her self esteem and confidence by getting ready properly each day. I’m 100% sure this made her a more balanced, happier and joyful mother to her children for the rest of the day. Yet I didn’t do it.
What I didn’t see then was how essential taking the time for some of these activities were. I saw them as luxuries and not something that would benefit the rest of my family (in my mind, these activities only benefitted me). However, if I didn’t take the time to exercise I became grouchy, my body felt sluggish and I wasn’t sure how much longer I’d be able to carry our chunk of a baby.
If I didn’t take the time to eat healthy I became tired and sometimes even faint from not giving my body the nutrients it needed.
If I didn’t take the time to spend with my partner we had no chance of reconnecting, the resentment between us would build and soon even our baby would be able to feel that.
If I didn’t take the time to see my friends I would become even more isolated and lost and I knew eventually depression would rear its ugly head.
So what I’m saying is, imagine the consequences if you don’t take the time for what you need and weigh that up. If you don’t take the time for one year, two years, three years what would your life look like? Of course you have less time so you can’t do everything. What is the one weekly or daily activity that will have the most beneficial impact? Here are some ideas from us and our parent friends…
“I play football every Thursday night with my friends from home. It's not only good for fitness and the release of endorphins but helps my brain zone out for a while, plus the beers after helps me reconnect with my mates. My wife notices how much shorter and grumpier I am when I don’t go for a week or two and I notice myself that I get more pent up.”
“I see a show once a month with friends. It helps me completely switch off from the daily stressors of family life and escape reality for an hour or two”
“I see a therapist for two hours every week. I know I could be spending this time with our child but the long term healing effects and the improvement it will make to how I feel and parent are so worth it.”
Taking time to inject some energy and life back into yourself is NOT selfish, you’re going to be bringing this energy back to the whole house. Plus, as your child grows you are showing them that taking care of YOURSELF is important and they can start to mirror that behaviour. Have a think about it…
Greg’s response
Regardless of stereotyping, I think men find it easier to be selfish and find time for themselves to find and restore energy. The funny thing about time is you can always find ways to expand it. You just need to prioritise what you want to do over what you think you have to do. That invariably means saying no to things versus trying to keep everyone else happy at the expense of yourself.
Without looking after yourself and your energy levels you are not an effective parent, partner or friend. I also think the judgement is self imposed, it may not feel like it but people are so focused on their lives, they aren’t watching you. Writing down your activities that create the biggest impact is a huge first step. Understanding yourself and what you need is at the core of a great parent and will enable you to say yes to what you want and eliminate the things in your life that create negative impact.
TAKEAWAYS:
What daily / weekly / monthly activities would have the greatest impact on you and therefore your family? Write it down and brainstorm with your partner about how you can start incorporating some of this.
Ask family and friends for support with childcare so you can actually enjoy some of these activities. NOBODY will think badly of you for taking a few hours a day / week / month to do something for yourself so don’t let that be a blocker to asking. If you can’t rely on family or friends, find a couple of local babysitters that you feel comfortable with - reliable babysitters are a really important tool to have in your parent toolkit.
Start to notice the effects of how you feel after taking time to focus on yourself and what impact it has on the family.
